I was really lucky to be living at home at the time, so I could afford to spend a few months gathering my strength and finding the courage to heal. I would wake up every morning, pour myself some tea, go outside and I would read and journal. At that time in my life, SARK was a godsend and I would fall asleep with her books next to me. In my journey to connect with myself I found a local meditation center and started to sit and learn to meditate with them several times a week. I started to learn about training my mind to be more peaceful and calm. So I went on to travel the world, get my masters, and do so many things that I am so proud of but I always knew that there was a major part of me that still needed healing, even though the PTSD symptoms had quieted down. Even though I was beginning to recognize my own courage and strength from overcoming these really challenging experiences, I was, and still am, overcoming a lot of sadness and loneliness.
In 2007, after months of reading self help books and journaling in my parent’s garden, I stumbled upon my first mindfulness meditation weekend. For two agonizing days I sat in silence and my mind was anything but still. I would jump at every sound and could barely focus on my breath for longer than a moment. In those moments I prayed for strength to help me get through this and I believe that gave me faith to keep going.
This determination and belief that there was hope and I could one day create space in my life for even a moment of peace kept me going, meditating, continuing my education, and seeking out modalities of healing.
A few years later, in 2010 I reconnected with an old friend who turned out to be this amazing partner and the man I feel so blessed to be married to today. But for awhile there it was really tough. I was getting triggered all over the place, I loved him but I was also terrified of him at the same time. I knew that my mind was still stuck in a lot of my past experiences and I was really having trouble seeing my husband as the sweet, loving person he is. It’s like my mind was telling me he was a scary wolf and I need to run far away from him. Even though the rest of my mind knew that that was silly, but It was really tough to know what was real. And it was really hard because I wanted to live my life from a place of clarity and be fully present, and able to access all of my past experiences from a place of wisdom.
In early 2012 I serendipitously walked into a Rapid Trauma Resolution Training and met Dr. Jon Connelly and my life changed forever. I had several RRT sessions and afterwards, for the first time, maybe ever, my mind quieted. And I felt different. I could feel my body again and began practicing yoga, which has been a major part of my healing journey.